The Sex Talk

I couldn’t thing of a better topic for my first post than sex. Well I probably could, considering I’ve been trying to write something for a month. BUT let’s not talking about that just yet? Hopefully I can stay on topic and your eyes won’t fall out; or something.

To a majority of people my current sex and sexual acts count makes me a whore. Really, I could care less other than those moments where I’m so upset that even my hair color was an awful choice. It wasn’t (add pic) I wear my lipstick bright red, go out in tight, short shorts, wear semi-skimpy dresses to church and love showing my cleavage. I am saying “Look at me! My body is beautiful and so is my personality.” Without having to open my mouth and I like that. Of course the peanut gallery will disagree. Luckily, I don’t have a nut allergy. I’ve been obsessed with sex work, sex workers, and sex in general for a long time, even when I was completely terrified of sex. So, let me take you through time and I will attempt to explain me obsessions, along with some funny stories here and there.

Thanks to my amazing uncle my favorite movie has, and always will be, Rocky Horror Picture Show. If you haven’t seen it, then you should. In short it’s about a sweet transvestite, Dr. Frank’n’Furter from transsexual Transylvania who makes himself a man named Rocky with a cast of so many other awesome characters. The movie is very sexual, but not all up in your face with butt and boobs and the sort. So as a small kid I was just loving the music. When I started asking what they were doing in the sex scenes (don’t worry it is more of a fade to black situation) he stopped letting me watch the movie. To this day I’ve probably watched it over 100 times and learn something new each time. 10/10 recommend.

The first time I can remembering “knowing” about sex I was in the fourth grade and 8 to 9 years old. Sex was never mentioned at my house, so I learned it from other kids. I’ve had a few conversations with other people who had the same experience with getting wrong information about sex at very young ages. The stories of what we thought was sex certainly are funny, but think if we had never had anyone tell us how it actually happens before we had a go. This is what I concluded from the information I had: Sex is when a guy peed in your mouth. Yep, mouth peeing makes babies.

From the time I was a baby until I hit the double digits my best friend was a boy. I hear lots of stories about ‘playing doctor’, but I just remember playing in the sandbox and him not letting me leave the tree house until he got to kiss me. When we got older, probably around the same time range as when I was learning about pee sex, our friendship drifted apart as our different social circles became apparent. I still went over there because his parents were super nice and he had a hot tub and a pool and pools are bomb. While our parents are chitchatting at the pool we’re in the hot tub out of view. We were talking about sex and such and asked each other if we could pull down the other’s bathing suit. I saw nothing, he saw nothing, but it goes to show you should teach your children or they might just try to find it out for themselves. I didn’t know sex was a bad thing at the time because it was never spoken of. Sex made babies and babies were super adorable and as an 8-year-old I totally wanted you like they were puppies. So if given the over I totally would have had pee sex and that would have been really fucking awful.

"I swear I didn't know how old they were!"

Skip to ten when my older sister at the time is a teenager and having a conversation about sex with my grandmother while I sit on the couch. I wasn’t really listening and they were being extremely vague anyway, but I got that they were talking about sex. When they were done my grandmother asks me. “Do you know what we were talking about?” I nod my head yes. “You should never do that until you’re married.” She says as I am daydreaming about boys and babies. “Whatever. I’ll have a baby when I’m like 16.” I think to myself. This was the first time someone in my family or an authority figure spoke to me about sex.

I should have patented my idea

Now somewhere along the line I had figured out that the penis, which is shaped like a butt plug with two balls unattached from each other, going into your pee hole a.k.a. vagina. Even though I hadn’t had my period, because what the hell is that I’ll probably die, I was super afraid of being pregnant. I wanted a baby, but not a baby with whoever just peed on the toilet seat or in the toilet and didn’t flush and somehow the pee sperm swam up into my pee hole/vagina and I got pregnant. Peeing was problematic throughout my childhood, I’m still afraid a mummy will pop out when I flush, but at least I won’t be having mummy babies.

I hated myself when I first got my period, because I was basically a chicken. I went to pee, saw the spots on my underwear and called for my grandmother who gave me a very apologetic look, but sat down to explain to me what was happening. Each month an egg sits in my ovaries and then it breaks and blood comes out. Where’s the shell? I’d much rather just have some yolk falling out instead of all the blood, like come on! I don’t blame her at all for the misinformation, because it was likely what she was told and never learned different. Of course I jumped to the chicken conclusion myself. This is why I really hate the term ‘egg cell’ and love the word ovum. And I was pretty relieved when I found out that’s all my blood and not a cracked chicken flooding out my vagina for a week.

There was a moment in my life where I realized everything I knew was wrong. I was 11 and in my first year of marching band. I had two older friends that were two grades above me and were talking about boys and I heard the word ‘Erection’. “What’s that?” I ask which was followed by fits of laughter and eventually an explanation. I’d always assumed that dicks were always hard, but if I looked at boys clearly they weren’t. This was problematic. And so the journey for knowledge began.

Way too often I ask odd questions and odd times about odd subjects. I knew my boy cats had dicks, but was completely unsure about my female cat’s anatomy. I was convinced she peed from her butt. My friend disagreed, but we still had now clue where the pee was coming from, so like children do, we googled it. “Do cats pee out of their butts?” We asked. Yahoo Answers came through and informed us that my cat had a urethra, like us. Wait? I have a urethra? Yes! I do! I was pretty happy to learn that pee didn’t come from my vagina. The pee needed to get out of my sex life.

I watched my first porn video because I saw reactions to it on YouTube. Two Girls One Cup. I nearly threw up. Then a friend sent me a video of a guy shoving a glass jar up his butt. My introduction to porn was not a good one. In my weeaboo days I discovered Hentai. If you don’t know what hentai is, it’s like anime but weirder and with more sex. I went over to my friend’s house and informed her of the find. Every sleepover for at least a year we would sit on her bed and watch hentai movies. It took us a while to figure out that we could watch porn on our own and our sleepovers turned into what they are today: raging at video games.

At 12 I got Netflix and started watching so many documentaries about sex workers that I had it taken away and well, that’s that. Of course when we got it back, no one can live without Netflix, I continued my documentary watching with some Horror and Bollywood sprinkled in.

At 15-16, my friend set me up with this super nerdy dude who I fell head-over-heels in love with. I wanted to lose my v card, thanks peer pressure, but decided to start out small. And so I dragged him away from League of Legends to such his dick for what seemed like an eternity until nasty sperm was in my mouth and I couldn’t feel my jaw. He got me some water afterwards, which doesn’t really help. I did a lot of dick sucking until I just told him to do it himself, because that’s too much work. I reached my goal of having sex at 16 in a very uneventful way in my bed, home alone for about thirty minutes. Luckily I didn’t get pregnant like my eight year old self.

I’m eighteen now and wholly inexperienced with sex and have done some idiotic things, particularly unprotected sex. Any stories, I think, are too relevant at the moment to talk about. I will end with this quote from a very important person in my life after I told them I hadn’t used a condom with a guy because he was sterile. “I don’t care if he had fucking leukemia, he could still have and STD. ” Wrap it up.

#sex