Paint with all the Colors of the Wind

It's the 23rd of December, 2013. I just turned seventeen three months ago and graduated today, though it won't be official until the rest of my class graduates as well. For my senior year, my best friend and I decided we would go to the alternative school in our county to graduate early. In truth, it was a godsend for me. Our high school was small but had been consolidated two years before with a neighboring town adding 200+ students to our 500. It certainly wasn't a crowded school but it still made my anxiety run high. With all the antidepressants I had been put on during high school I started to sleep during my classes. Even though I never was a good student when it came to my grades, I had always found the thought of sleeping at school ridiculous. But within those two and a half years I became the girl who slept through class every day and all day. Eventually, my grades were dropping to Fs and I was missing so much school due to anxiety that I had to go to truancy court. And trust me, having to go to court because you have severe anxiety and getting told you were probably cursed by a witch (I hadn't been diagnosed with depersonalization/derealization at the time) does not help a kid's anxiety. I would scream and cry like a toddler having a tantrum because I was afraid to go to school. No one was mean to me, but I was still afraid. It wasn't even the school really, it was the world outside our little apartment. I'm free and my stomach fills with butterflies but soon they turn into maggots and I want to throw up. I had to have surgery on one of my toes and am going to get the other done, but I can't get out of the car. My body refuses to let me go. I want to go home. My grandfather scolds me while I beg him to take me back home and he finally gives in. I run up the stairs to the safety of my room. December 25th, 2013, Christmas Day. My family gathers at my grandfather's house just down the road. It's the first Christmas without my grandmother. Last Christmas I heard my aunts talking about how she wouldn't last long, she didn't. I want to go but a barrier of fear refuses to release me from its grasp and I am too weak to fight it. When my mother, step-father, and siblings leave I start to cry. I cry for my grandmothers, my father, my life. The thought of going outside is a fairytale. I hope I will be a princess, but I never will. My grandfather fixed me a plate of food and brings it to me in the middle of his Christmas celebration. We agree the day feels just like any other without Nana here. I cry and he holds me. A snowy day, January 2014. The snow has been falling for days and it looks like the perfect time to build a snowman. I want to build a snowman and make snow angels, but the fear still grips me. It gets dark quickly and my little sister asks if I want to play in the snow. I do. We bundle up and walk out onto the balcony. For a few minutes, we make snowballs before I suggest we go back in. I'll never be a princess. The day the world spun, March 2014. It's warm outside. This is the time when the air is warm and the next moment our teeth are chatters as snow falls from the sky. Since December, I have been getting worse. Since I can't go outside I can't get my medicine. I spend my nights counting sheep like my life counted on them to jump over their little fence and hoping I won't wake up with a panic attack. My days I sit on the couch and try to watch T.V. or do something to occupy my time until my mom comes home. I'm able to go outside and sit with my mom and step-dad on the porch, but I never go past the chairs outside our door. Today my mom and step-dad went out shopping. I start to panic and my body goes numb. I have to go outside, I have to go outside. I walk out and fall on the porch as the world spins around me. I'm too afraid to move, so i stare at the swirling, blue sky. Finally, I come back in and cry. May 11th, 2014. I made myself a list. Day 1: Take a step out the door. Day 2: Go to the top of the stairs. Day 3: Go halfway down the stairs. Day 4: Get to the bottom of the stairs. Day 5: Sit in the car. Day 6: Drive around in the car. Day 7: Get Hardee's It's almost 6 when my mom comes home. I hold on tight to her arm as we both step out onto to wooden deck. My heart is pounding so fast and hard I think it will fly out of my chest. Mom asks me if I want to keep going and after a moment of hesitation, I nod. My tight grip is probably hurting her, but she is just happy to see me outside, walking towards the steps. We turn the corner and I can see the sunset from the top of the stairs. I start to cry and my mom assures me everything is okay. "It's so beautiful," I say. The sky is an extraordinary mix of orange and white. The barrier of fear had been torn, just slightly but I could see what was behind it. The world welcomes me back. I am a princess and the sky is just for me today. Present day, June 10th, 2016. Brick by brick I have taken about the fear that surrounded me. Sometimes I trip over the foundation, but it too will be gone in time. I am a princess no longer. I am a warrior. A warrior who took on her demons face to face and conquered. Some still linger but know not to push too hard or they will be vanquished too. Life isn't a fairytale, it's so much better than that. It's real.